I havent written a blog for a while now largely due to being in the throws of a rugby season but at the same time partly due to not having time to reflect and being full on all of the time. Where do i start? The rugby season was one of real up and downs and it wasnt due to results or performances but due to offield politics which undermined the hard work that went in with the players but also created an under current in everything we tried to do.
The way it began was because certain individuals didnt get their way and allowed their egos to get in the way of the squad goal/the bigger picture. Ultimately it undone everything we tried to do, do i feel angry not at all but more disappointed for the players and how it affected the season for them.
Did i make mistakes? I probably did, my biggest mistake was putting to much trust in individuals driven by self gain and ego. I do feel i have grown and i am now content with what i tried to do and how i went about it. People criticise others for making mistakes but thats not the key learning from it, the key learning is taking out of what could have been done better and in my opinion thats how we grow.
Self doubt can be crippling I know that as well as anyone and I’ve dealt with it at various times since I was 18. I’ve felt at times not good enough at this or good enough at that and so much so I just bailed out, I just resigned myself to the fact that its always going to be that way and I would never really ever fulfill my potential. Do I still feel this way? Yes at times but it’s not as severe. I set myself simple goals and in a way I find that helps my confidence. Over the years I’ve been referred to as being like marmite, you either love me or hate me and it’s taken me years to understand some people will never like you no matter what you do and instead of striving to be someone else be yourself, be true to yourself and those immediately around you.
Now the rugby campaign has ended am i happy to be finished after a long season? Absolutely! Whats round the corner? No idea. Will i coach next season? Will anyone want me to lead their coaching team? The answer to both questions is i dont know and i am not in a hurry to jump in again thats for sure.
I mentioned contentment earlier and for any person that is massive, being happy in your own skin. I am content, i gave it my all, worked bloody hard and made the players better but bigger than that it really hit home i have an outstanding partner in Lisa, loyal, honest and just the ideal person for me and thats the best thing to come out of 22/23 for me.
Again can i please urge anyone who doesnt feel at themselves or down to please please please talk to someone. No matter how short the conversation is with someone i promise you that you will feel a relief and hopefully you will begin to see that rocky road beginning to clear.
Keep talking, keep going, keep believing, just keep going.
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