I havent written a blog for a while now largely due to being in the throws of a rugby season but at the same time partly due to not having time to reflect and being full on all of the time. Where do i start? The rugby season was one of real up and downs and it wasnt due to results or performances but due to offield politics which undermined the hard work that went in with the players but also created an under current in everything we tried to do.

The way it began was because certain individuals didnt get their way and allowed their egos to get in the way of the squad goal/the bigger picture. Ultimately it undone everything we tried to do, do i feel angry not at all but more disappointed for the players and how it affected the season for them.

Did i make mistakes? I probably did, my biggest mistake was putting to much trust in individuals driven by self gain and ego. I do feel i have grown and i am now content with what i tried to do and how i went about it. People criticise others for making mistakes but thats not the key learning from it, the key learning is taking out of what could have been done better and in my opinion thats how we grow.

Self doubt can be crippling I know that as well as anyone and I’ve dealt with it at various times since I was 18. I’ve felt at times not good enough at this or good enough at that and so much so I just bailed out, I just resigned myself to the fact that its always going to be that way and I would never really ever fulfill my potential. Do I still feel this way? Yes at times but it’s not as severe. I set myself simple goals and in a way I find that helps my confidence. Over the years I’ve been referred to as being like marmite, you either love me or hate me and it’s taken me years to understand some people will never like you no matter what you do and instead of striving to be someone else be yourself, be true to yourself and those immediately around you.

Now the rugby campaign has ended am i happy to be finished after a long season? Absolutely! Whats round the corner? No idea. Will i coach next season? Will anyone want me to lead their coaching team? The answer to both questions is i dont know and i am not in a hurry to jump in again thats for sure.

I mentioned contentment earlier and for any person that is massive, being happy in your own skin. I am content, i gave it my all, worked bloody hard and made the players better but bigger than that it really hit home i have an outstanding partner in Lisa, loyal, honest and just the ideal person for me and thats the best thing to come out of 22/23 for me.

Again can i please urge anyone who doesnt feel at themselves or down to please please please talk to someone. No matter how short the conversation is with someone i promise you that you will feel a relief and hopefully you will begin to see that rocky road beginning to clear.

Keep talking, keep going, keep believing, just keep going.

I will start the blog again by saying I hope anyone who clicks on the Scrumthing To Think about Facebook page feels as though they can talk about how they are feeling and find the links and resources helpful. I think at times people who suffer from depression or anxiety feel as though they cannot talk about it as people will judge them indeed the question which has been in my mind in the past does it define me? When I was younger I struggled to deal with depression, the feelings of anger and embarrassment were strong and I feel when making decisions it clouded my judgment and it strangled me at the same time. I think as I have got older I have built a resistance to self-doubt and I have a process to combat those feelings.

One aspect I do struggle with and have of late is I can be in a really happy environment whether it be an occasion or such but I can still have a feeling of emptiness or that I have to do something better, It is as if I am constantly questioning myself. How do I deal with this? I throw myself into rugby, preparing sessions, planning for the game on Saturday, help develop players. All of this helps me, it helps me focus. Going forward I am challenging myself to try and push the negative feelings to one side and concentrate on the positives, it’s not easy and a constant challenge but I will keep doing it.

Special mention to my partner I am very lucky to have someone as special as her who is there for me every minute of the day and If I didn’t have her life would be so much harder. Again if these blogs help anyone or they find something helpful I am happy. If anyone wants to get in touch then please feel free to do so.

💭🏉💭🏉

Having watched a programme on paramount I came across a saying “leave yesterday behind as it can eat away at you”. I thought this was a brilliant way, to sum up feelings about the past. We all at some point during the working day/week drift back to thoughts of the past and often it leads to feelings of regret. In some ways when talking about our feelings or how we feel a certain amount of vulnerability surrounds us, I know with me that is most definitely the case. I have in the past written blogs about mental health and the stigma that surrounds it and I can’t stress enough no matter how hard or sore it is to talk please please do it. We all have a past and I have made that many wrong decisions over the years that sometimes it’s hard to make decisions in the present because the past experience rears its head and adds real doubt in the decision making process in the present. I know in no uncertain terms now that the support I have around me in Lisa is a massive part on me being able to leave the past behind and embrace the opportunities in the future. She is a massively supportive and loving woman who is always their for me and its amazing how quick things can turn around in a short space of time. Please dont ever not talk. It stifles you, it makes you panic and holding in feelings no matter how silly you think they are will affect you no end. I am thinking about setting up a Facebook group for men’s mental health and would like to gauge interest so please don’t hesitate to let me know if it is of interest either way. Thanks for reading my ramblings!!.